Decoy of Reality
by staceleo
Summary: Bella Swan returns home from college to find a television film crew has taken over her town. Will she find a fleeting summer romance or something more lasting with an attractive actor? A story dedicated to MidnightLove87.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Truth be told, I was absolutely, positively not going to start another story until I finished Daily Affirmations. However, I was talking to the fabulous MidnightLove87 and told her a true story about the college me who met a celebrity. She thought it would make a fun story, so here we go!**

**This story is dedicated to MidnightLove87, because she convinced me to write it and she is just an amazing writer and person!**

**Who makes my words fabulous? The fantastic Sunflower3759, of course!**

**I hope you like Chapter 1, please feel free to let me know what you think. Ugly Duckling Bakery readers, Chapter 15 is almost done and should be posted next week. I am on Facebook at staceleostories, I suggest friending me and I can add you to the group. (I never update the actual page.)**

**I don't own Twilight, but I did grow up in the 'Decoy Capital of the World'. Don't be jealous.**

Chapter 1

It was one of those quiet little towns by the bay. 'The Decoy Capital of the World' as the locals liked to proudly brag. A Norman Rockwell painting type of place, with tree lined streets and the American flag waving proudly from front porches. Bella Swan imagined one day she would have a house on Main Street close to the water. However, today was not one of those days, and right now she wished she was back at school, away from this chaos. The day was still young, yet already there were so many things that had made her blood boil.

Pushing her way through the crowds of noisy people on Main Street, Bella stomped into the town's small coffee shop, Java by the Bay. It was all brown toned walls, mismatched tables and chairs, and large barrels of coffee beans making the room smell like a little piece of heaven. It was her piece of heaven, but now it was filled with strangers that were taking all of the oxygen out of the small room. Bella took a deep breath and made her way passed the crowd to the counter.

"Malloy," she said breathlessly.

"Swan." The blonde behind the counter greeted with the frown. Once upon a time in third grade, the women had been friends. That was a lifetime ago. "What do you want?"

"A large coffee." Bella looked at the people surrounding them and asked. "Have we finally been invaded? I was hoping that when that happened, they would at least be kind enough to leave the coffee shop to the locals."

"Yes, the television crew has landed. My mother has about lost her mind with their beverage requests. Does this look like a Starbucks?" Lauren complained. "Is it still crazy out there?"

"Our grandmothers almost ran over a group of extras, Malloy." Bella grimaced at the thought. She had seen her life pass in front of her eyes as she sat helplessly in the backseat of the car.

"Was it my grandmother or yours driving?"

Bella snickered, as she watched Lauren pour her coffee. "Mine, of course, she thinks she can drive like a NASCAR driver. I tried to get her to let me drive, but then she told me my voice sounded like a bullhorn and to get my butt in the backseat."

"She's a mean one. You resemble her. No, I'll take that back. Alice is far more like her. I'm scared of Alice," Lauren admitted.

"You should be, Malloy. Alice here, yet?" Bella asked, scanning through the strangers to find her sister. She then saw the closely cropped dark hair sitting with a scowl in the corner. "Found her. Smell you later, Malloy."

"Bite me, Swan."

"You'd like it," Bella called back, as she approached her pissy sister. She looked at the creepy shirt her sister was wearing. "Why is your shirt covered in teeth?"

Alice looked at her. "I like teeth. Teeth are fun. Sit your butt down, I need you to block me from having to look at pretentious actors."

"Are they horrible?"

"They are the worst with all their demands. I detest Malloy, but I even feel a little for her with my black, cold heart. Also, that blond kid keeps staring at me." A handsome, curly haired man was staring at an irate Alice. Alice then looked at Bella's beverage. "I can't believe you ordered a plain coffee. You never order plain coffee."

Alice was used to Bella always ordering mixed messes that either contained flavor or ice. Alice, herself, liked her java black and preferably it hooked up to an I.V. that would pump the black elixir of adrenaline directly into her veins.

"I just drove with the old bat and her best buddy to the nursing home so they could have a lunch date, so my nerves are frayed. Watch the twitching." Bella held her vibrating hand out to her sister. Bella and Alice's grandmother adored having lunch at the nursing home. You could visit with old friends and eat a meal for $2.99. The granddaughters often had to accompany her to fetch things, and also so that she could brag about them in a mocking way. "It's the coffee or something much harder. I think, however, that gin at 10 a.m. would be a bit much."

"It's happy hour somewhere."

"True, yet still not the best idea." Bella shook her head. "That old woman is going to kill someone in that Chrysler of hers. I hate that you got out of going today."

"Was she making fun of someone? I live for the way, Louise mocks the masses." Alice loved the cranky old lady and found her to be a mentor. There was a bond there for their mutual love of snide comments. She would have been happy to come, if she hadn't had piles of paperwork to fill out for her study abroad semester.

"It was all snark, all the time. Not to mention that all the elderly people in the dining hall were getting their Depends in a bunch. That would be a direct description by our grandmother, over the new Friendly's."

"You mean the sign that those idiot T.V. people put over the old paint store?" Alice peered over Bella's shoulder and gave someone the finger. "The creepster with the blond, white-boy fro, is grinning at me. I would throw my coffee at him, but it would be wasting a good brew."

"I am so glad you have your priorities straight, Al. Seriously though, can you imagine the mass confusion in town when the older citizens come looking for the senior citizen discount and find an empty storefront?" Bella took a deep swig and started to choke. "I forgot how awful it is! I am getting some milk and sugar for this oil spill in a cup. Do you need anything?"

"He winked at me! The weird kid winked at me! Pour salt into his drink! Is he drinking a something with whipped cream on top? What kind of Hollywood douc..."

Bella sighed and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. "Simmer down, Al, I'll be right back. You want me to get his number?"

Alice threw a balled up napkin at the back of Bella's head as she walked away.

Bella approached the small counter that was home to a plethora of coffee and tea additions. She found herself behind a very tall man with dark red hair, and she thought the back of his head looked familiar. He could easily be a person from a rival high school that was back from college on summer vacation like she was. Of course, it would be just her luck that the guy was part of the show's crew.

"Excuse me mister; can I get around you for a second?"

Her eyes widened, taking in the face of the handsome man who turned around. His green eyes sparkled as he took her in. "What can I get for you, beautiful?"

The word _pretty_, _so pretty_, flashed through her now nonfunctioning brain. Bella started choking on her words. "Sug...Sugar."

The man quickly produced two sugar packets and placed them in Bella's hand with a caress. "Here are two sweet things, for the sweet little lady."

Bella, in all her feminist outrage wanted to punch him in the nose, but he was so _pretty__, _that the words couldn't come out of her mouth. And her fist wouldn't dare mar his good, but smug looks.

"I'm new in town, would you like to show me around?" He asked with a dazzling smile that made Bella's knees buckle.

"Huh?" It was the only word Bella could free from her mouth.

Luckily, for the floundering Bella, it was Alice to the rescue. "Ignore the pretty boy, Bella. They are actors and excel at lies."

"Excuse me, Miss, but I was talking to this young lady here, and not spinning any yarns as you suggest," the pretty man said in his own defense.

Alice scoffed, "Yarns? How old are you? Do you whittle for the young'uns? Give me a break. Let's go, Bella!"

"Wait! Bella, is it?"

Before Bella could answer the handsome stranger, there was a crash and screams from outside the coffee shop. Old Mr. Newton ran in, hands waving in the air. "Alice, Bella, your grandmother hit the flag pole in the traffic circle."

"What traffic circle? We don't have a traffic circle!" Bella exclaimed, finally finding her voice.

Mr. Newton explained, "The foam one that those Hollywood folks brought in on a truck."

"Jesus, Mary and effin' Joseph!" The atheist Alice yelled. "We better get out there!"

As they two girls ran out, Edward Cullen couldn't take his eyes off of the pretty brunette whose ponytail he watched swinging in the air as she made her hasty exit. He decided right then and there that she was going to be his next conquest.

"I can't take my eyes off the girl in the teeth shirt," Jasper Whitlock, the man with the curly blond locks said as he smiled at the door.

Edward grinned. "That's good, because I have my eye on her friend. Umm, Jazz, my man, you've got whip cream on your top lip."

"Shit!" Jasper exclaimed wiping it away. "Are we going to go help them?"

"Yes we are. They might not want it, but they certainly are going to get it." Edward gave his friend a big smile and the two men followed the girls out into the mass confusion that was now taking place on Main Street.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I am so happy you seem to like this silly little story. Your reviews and story follows have made me extremely happy.**

**Thank you to the wonderful Sunflower3759 for her guidance and support.**

**Dedicated to MidnightLove87.**

Chapter 2

It was bedlam in town square. There hadn't been this much drama in this small town since the great crab pot escape of 1986 during the Old Bay Crab Festival. Crazy old Waylon had opened all the crates of live crabs in the middle of town, causing them to scurry and attempt to pinch the locals. Waylon, drunk as a skunk and dressed as a crab screamed through the streets, "Free my crustacean brothers!"

Bella and Alice were quite young, but their nightmares were still filled with being on Charlie and Renee's shoulders and running from the giant claws. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but they were quite young and snapping crabs were frightening. Bella imagined seeing her grandmother yelling at Officer Michael Newton would have a similar effect on a young version of Bella. Her tongue was far more dangerous.

"I knew you when you were a snot nosed baby, little Mikey Newton! Don't you tell me I shouldn't be driving!" Louise Thelma Higgenbottom dug into the bottom of her giant purse and pulled out a tissue. "You still are snot nosed, blow your damn nose, Mikey!"

Alice was grinning like a mad woman. "This is fabulous, Bell! I need a video for YouTube!"

Bella grabbed the phone out of her sister's hand. "Don't you dare, Al!"

"You're always a stick in the mud!" Alice shook her head in disapproval. "Hey Grandma! You done taking dementia to a new level or can we get you out of here?"

"You are a disgrace and look like a boy, Alice, you are officially out of the will!" Louise exclaimed.

Alice sighed. "Oh boo hoo, Grandmother. I am already mourning the windfall of wooden ducks. You are always kicking me out of the will.

Louise waved a dismissive hand at her youngest granddaughter. "I will leave everything to Isabella."

"Grandma, let's get you home." Bella gently took her irate grandmother's arm. "You can put your feet up. You can watch Do You Want to be a Millionaire. I'll make you a cup of coffee or would you prefer I run in and grab a cup from Malloy... I mean Lauren."

Alice started to investigate the damage to the car; she looked up at her sister. "You're such a kiss ass."

"Maybe you should get your car, Alice?" Bella asked. "Let's call Dad and he can tow her car to Billy's Garage."

Louise stomped her foot. "I'm not dead yet, you ungrateful brats. I am perfectly capable to drive a car. Do you see what I have to put up with, Mikey! You need to arrest these two for being horrible granddaughters!" Louise glared at the girls. "You are both out of the will!"

Bella looked at Alice. "What did I do? I thought I was the good one?"

"I think some sugar free candy is in order. Let's pick some up and you can stop making a scene." Alice smiled at her Louise. "You'll be running over squirrels as soon as you know it."

"I bet some chocolate would be delicious, wouldn't it?" Bella asked sweetly.

"You can't butter me up, Isabella!" Louise frowned. "How will I get my pills?"

"Don't get your Depends in a bunch, old lady." Alice said. "I will take you to the pharmacy first. If they aren't ready Dad will pick them up."

"Your father will just mess it up! I told your mother he was a waste when she married him," Louise grumbled. Chief Charlie Swan was a very sweet, quiet man who was nothing, but the picture of politeness. Louise just hated men in general, but if she was truly being honest she was very lucky to have a son-in-law like him. However, getting his assistance made her feel helpless. She hated feeling that way. It was hard to grow older. She hated it and she hated having diabetes. What she would do for some real ice cream like her father used to make. How amazing if she could wake up in the morning and be at that place again.

Bella sighed and tried to reason, "He won't mess anything up. You need to calm down!"

Poor Michael's head was spinning at all the twisty ways these women were talking to each other. "Ladies, can we get back to the subject at hand? Your grandmother hit a traffic circle! She is going to have to pay damages."

"I am standing right here, boy! I can answer for myself!" Louise ranted. "Who signed off on a traffic circle? There wasn't a town meeting concerning the subject! I am going to the Mayor! This is a travesty! I was born and raised in this town and we never needed such an idiotic thing. If I could get rid of those traffic lights..."

"There would be a lot of dead pedestrians after you run over them?" Alice asked, not so innocently.

Bella quickly tried to save her sister from getting a purse beating from their grandmother. "I think it's called a roundabout, not a traffic circle. It's for the television show."

"I am not infirm. Do not talk down to me, Isabella Marie!" Louise gave the girls her evil eye. "I should put you both over my knee!"

"Wouldn't you love to see both of them over our knees, Jasper?" A smooth voice said behind them.

"I would indeed, Edward."

Alice snarled, "You have got to be kidding me!"

Bella turned around and looked at the beautiful man's face. "Oh, hi there."

"Hey beautiful, my name is Edward Cullen. I was rudely interrupted before when I was going to introduce myself. Do you need any assistance?" Edward smiled and gave a wink. "I am up for it, anytime and anyplace."

"I think we are...umm...fine," Bella squeaked. She thought he was just a beautiful, beautiful man. Looking down at his long fingers, Bella could imagine them gripping her waist, as his lips brushed against hers. It had been so long since she had her lips on anything other than a straw.

"Crazy, the dude just tried to proposition you for sex in front of our grandmother," Alice said incredulously. The blissful stare Bella was giving Edward, was creeping Alice out.

"What, Al?" Bella reflected on what he had just said. "Oh! That's so inappropriate!"

"He was just kidding. Edward's a horrible comedian," Jasper tried to cover for his friend. He was hoping that his friend didn't ruin his chances with the snarly woman in front of him. "I am Jasper Whitlock, ma'am. What's your name?"

"My name is none of your business. Bella, I think this might be a perfect time to get Grandma out of here."

Michael hitched up his belt. "Alice, can I be of service? Take care of these riffraffs?"

Officer Mike Newton had loved Alice since the second grade when she threw a mud pie in his face. Her dismissal of poor Michael just made his love for her grow. He was obviously a glutton for punishment. Alice found herself tormenting Mike on purpose. She was oblivious to his affection and while she seemed confident, her self-esteem was rather low. Mike had been a jock in high school and Alice hid quietly in the art classroom painting. She had always felt he was mocking her.

"You will never be of service to me, you under qualified traffic cop." Alice motioned to the foam mess left from the ill-fated set piece around them. "You need to clean up this mess."

"That's my girl! Keep Mikey in line!" Louise then grew grave. "Which one of these slovenly boys is talking sex to little Bella?"

"That one!" Alice pointed with glee at Edward.

Louise took her large suitcase purse and hit a startled Edward with it. "Isabella Swan, this boy has shifty eyes. So does the boy with the ugly hair, Alice! Stop looking at him! Your grandfather had some shifty eyes, too! He left me for the damn babysitter! You want this boy to leave you for a babysitter?"

"Grandma, you cannot go around hitting people you don't like. Dad will have to arrest you!" Bella exclaimed, trying to pull the surprisingly strong Louise away from Edward. She didn't want to tempt Louise to perform another violent act.

"Let your father try! He's slower than molasses! That stupid, southerner! They hate the coloreds you know?" Louise said as she pointed to the red headed idiot.

Bella wanted to disappear into the ground.

"What the hell does she have in that thing, bricks? Edward looks like he's in a daze." Jasper asked Alice. He was going to assist his friend, but preferred to try and flirt with the unresponsive woman beside him. "So your name is Alice?"

"Your name is mud to me, jerk," Alice said, eyes narrowed like a cat. She was an angry little pussy cat. Jasper mind started veering in the gutter. "Keep it up and I'll borrow her purse and beat you up with it. Grandmother has that thing filled with used tissues, throat lozenges and hidden romance novels that she refuses to admit she reads. There are hidden needles in there too, so she can stick you and check your glucose level at whim."

Jasper found the odd way Alice's mind worked to be fascinating, yet he was worried about one of her statements "Do you have diabetes?"

"No, I do not. My grandmother worries and likes to check us. Trust me when I say, those can hurt like a bitch. Just like that crying little friend of yours who was hit only once by a seventy eight year old woman."

"I should help him talk to your grandmother," Jasper really wanted to kiss her. "He has a tendency to stick his big foot in his mouth."

"Oh I saw quite clearly just what type of man you friend is." Alice leaned against the hood of the bashed car. "Do me a favor?"

"Yeah sure, I would be happy to," Jasper agreed happily. "What do you need?"

"Inform your friend the only way he will ever get into my sister's pants is over my dead body." Alice waved him away. Jasper could only hope that he was going to have better luck than Edward.

"Go to it, Skippy." Alice took a deep breath. She was surprised to find his lips lickable. The guy needed to go.

Jasper jogged over to Edward as he looked at his watch. "We should go, man. You need to go to makeup."

"Never mind, girls, those two are as queer as a two-dollar bill," Louise said with a chuckle. "My granddaughters are safe."

"Wait a minute..." Edward began.

"No way!" Jasper complained.

The two men thought it was best to not allude to that drunken night in Tijuana and they almost kissed. It was very late. The bar was empty of female companionship. Tequila is a nasty mistress. While extremely loaded, both men wore beer goggles making the other look like a female. It was the sexual version of one of these old Warner Brothers cartoons where one of the starving characters sees another that looks like a chicken leg. The men decided not to bring this up in front of grandma.

"I have to take you in, Mrs. Higgenbottom." Michael grabbed her arm.

The old woman fought like a cougar, as he pulled her into the squad car. "Get off of my arm you, idiot! I will get out my wooden spoon!"

Alice burst into manly chuckles. "Watch out for that spoon, Mike! It's a deadly weapon! Show him those ninja skills, Grandma!"

"Please be quiet, Alice. You aren't helping. Why are you taking her in?" Bella asked Mike.

"I'm booking her on Assault and Battery. She also needs to pay damages for the flag pole."

"It's not a real flag pole, Newton," Alice said in exasperation. "It shouldn't be here with this fake traffic circle without proper warning to people. They should be paying her for emotional distress. If they feel so bad, I'll give them twenty bucks to hit up the craft store to buy some felt and a stick of some sort. They can make a new one."

"Alice, your grandmother was a nuisance to the studio and the town when she..." Mike began.

"She only hit him once!" Bella exclaimed, "Al, Dad is going to have a coronary if he has to be around her! Mom went shopping with her buddies in Lancaster!"

Alice's face became a mask of rage. "I refuse to pimp myself to Mike Newton, because our mother has an outlet obsession!"

"Come on, Al, one date!" Bella pleaded. "We can go to the outlets ourselves on Saturday and I'll buy you lunch!"

Bella could imagine her poor father sitting at his desk, diligently doing his job when Mike escorted in the angry Louise. Charles Swan would be berated immediately and he would quietly take it. Then Bella could see him being concerned about how Grandma's elevated emotions would affect her blood sugar level and Charles would then try to push orange juice on his mother-in-law. The berating would begin again over that. Bella loved her grandmother; she really did, but found the older woman to be completely unfair to her father. It would be up to Bella and the reluctant Alice to protect him.

Bella waited for her sister's rejection, when Alice muttered, "Shoes."

Alice wanted Bella to buy her shoes? How was that an equal compromise? It was just one little date...

"You have got to be kidding me! I am not going to buy you a pair of expensive shoes that you will wear once, because they hurt your toes!" Bella complained, as their grandmother continued yelling behind them.

"There's no sales tax!" Alice tried to reason.

"Ladies, maybe we can be of assistance?" Edward smiled at the women. "Allow us to escort you out on the town this fine evening."

"Why are you talking like an old man?" Alice asked. Bella was curious herself.

Edward bowed. "I begin filming a Victorian Mini Series in October. I am getting in character."

"I told you he was an ass," Alice said to Bella.

Bella was finding Edward less and less charming every time he opened his mouth. Of course, he was still sexy as sin. "What does this have to do with our grandmother?"

"I won't press charges."

Bella looked into his pretty eyes, but was no longer so impressed. Louise, for all extent and purposes, tapped the man with a purse, it wasn't like she used a baseball bat. He wouldn't even have a bruise. It would have been nice for the actor to just politely tell Mike to let their grandmother go, instead he resulted in blackmail. The man's shiny glow was now tarnished in Bella's eyes.

"You have to be kidding me!" Bella exclaimed. Edward gave her a sexy grin, but it made Bella want to be the one to hit Edward with a grandma purse. "You know you can catch more flies with honey. It makes much better sense than blackmail and tossing an elderly woman in jail when you don't get your way."

"All I ask is one drink at MacGregor's. We'll meet you at eight?" Edward liked the brunette being angry. Her face had a lovely blush when enraged.

"This is a horrible idea, Edward," Jasper muttered.

Alice sighed. "Bella, you wanted me to do the same thing with Deputy Mike. I'll buy you the shoes."

"Okay, I'll go. Alice comes with me as a chaperone," Bella agreed. It had dawned on her that this Edward liked a conquest he could win. This wasn't about liking her at all. Once again, she felt like an Ugly Duckling. A wave of sadness washed over her. "Let's go get Grandma home, Al."

Edward attempted to kiss Bella's hand, but she pulled away. Using her feisty, but still elderly grandmother for leverage was not cool and she didn't want him to touch her. He gave her a wink. He would turn Miss Swan's frown upside down when he got her in bed. "Jasper and I will see you ladies at eight."

Edward and Jasper looked at the girls helping their grandmother out of the car and Edward held out his hand for a fist pump. Jasper ignored it. Edward said flippantly, "My man, we are so getting laid."

"I highly doubt that," Jasper answered back. The sisters looked upset and Jasper realized that Edward's actions reflected poorly on the both of them. He hoped that Bella Swan could reject Edward's advances and teach his friend a valuable lesson.

"What are you thinking?" Alice said to Bella as they escorted the still irate Louise to Alice's car. "We need a plan! Those two playboys can't go around playing with people's lives to get their way.

"I have a plan, dear sister," Bella simply said and smiled at her Alice's confused expression. "Emmett."

Alice grinned. "Nice thinking, sister! I'll keep you!"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: A big thank you to Sunflower3759! She's a wonderful Beta and friend.**

**Thank you so much for your reviews and story follows! They make me so happy.**

**A couple of quick announcements…I have a story on the Countdown to Halloween 2012. My story is up now. I was trying to be sneaky. You'll see. fanfiction / s/8526898/6/.**

**I will also have two The Little Pink House outtakes for the StandUp4Katalina and Fandom 4 The Homeless. I will keep you updated!**

Chapter 3

"Your plan sucks...unlike this delicious vegetable crab soup." Alice wasn't one to mince words.

Bella put her beer down on the table with a thud. "I thought you loved my idea?"

"If you stuck with one word which was our favorite giant's name, but then you had to actually expand on it. Quite frankly dear sister, it sucks."

"You could be nicer about it." Bella started to pout. "You have to admit that his muscles can be scary."

"Emmett McCarthy is a pussycat; an oversized pussycat, but a pussycat never less. We don't want him to get in trouble for beating up a prissy movie star and his possibly gay sidekick. Maybe, they want us to be their beards?" Alice questioned. She slurped another mouthful. "This soup was created by the gods. I want it pumped in my veins."

Bella groaned, "Get your mind off the soup and back on our dilemma. Emmett can meet us at McGregor's and put some fear in them."

"Violence is never the answer, big sister. Actually it can be except when Liam MacGregor is involved. Emmett can't fight at that bar, because Liam will make sure his ass is thrown in jail." Alice was practically licking her bowl. "I need some more of this blessed concoction."

"There's a truce!"

"A tentative truce, Bella, because the feud between the McCarthys and MacGregors is a modern day Hatfields and McCoys," Alice stated, as she popped an oyster cracker in her mouth.

There had never before been said a better description of the McCarthy and MacGregor feud. The town old timers remarked that it was due to those damn foreigners being so damn much alike, but they didn't take into account that both families immigrated to United States in the forties. That was the way of these small towns, families were categorized for generations.

The fight started in the seventies over waterfront land on which sat a perfect building to house a restaurant and pub. The families, before this point were close, but the brick building had a deck that that overlooked the bay which made them both covet it. The way the sunset made shades of pink and gold over the water was an instant attraction and could bring in the tourists.

The elder of the McCarthy clan, Simon, had put in the highest bid. It seemed a hefty price to pay, but the older man could imagine sitting by the bar draining a pint and watching the boats sail by. Unfortunately, Duncan MacGregor had his eye set on creating the premier Irish pub in the state. Town lore told that there was a strong probability that bribery or blackmail had occurred to help MacGregor acquire the land. There were rumors of a City Councilman and a goat. Bella and Alice's grandmother loved to tell the tale in malicious glee at family holiday gatherings. Bella just thought that like everything in life, one family just lucked out and the other didn't. The most unfortunate part of the situation was the tension between the two rival families.

The girls were sitting at McCarthy's trying to gear themselves up before meeting with the pretty out-of-towners. The pub sat directly across the road from the MacGregor's. It was if Emmett's ancestors were trying to make themselves suffer through the generations with the knowledge that they were so very close to having a waterfront view.

The waterfront view never appealed to Alice, because McCarthy's didn't have one iota of pretension. It's rough wooden floors, low lighting and old tin beer advertisements were a comfortable reminder that not all things were destroyed by pricks. She had always felt uncomfortable at the feigned upscale interiors that now graced MacGregor's. The tables covered in white table clothes with small glass vases that contained one lonely carnation was the epitome of a fancy diner in town. Not to mention, that they raised the drink prices fifty percent in anticipation of tourist dollars. It made Alice sick. For those reasons, and the far superior Vegetable Crab Soup, she preferred McCarthy's. Not that she would ever admit that to Emmett.

Alice was thinking about calling over their lazy waitress Cora for more soup. "If I have to sit in that uptight hole with the likes of the bitch squad from high school, then I need Emmett for comic relief. Where's that waitress?"

"I wasn't promoting that Emmett actually beats anybody up. He just needs to scare them a little. It will be fun! He can growl at them and they'll be so scared that they will run back to Hollywood."

"It won't work." Alice ripped a piece of bread with her teeth in a flourish. "Where is my soup refill?"

"There are no soup refills! Plus, it will work," Bella huffed.

"What will work ladies?" Emmett McCarthy leaned over and smiled at his friends.

Emmett was a large, attractive man with ruddy cheeks and sparkling eyes. He was destined to become Santa Claus as he grew older, it had always occurred to Bella. He was quite fit and twenty-two, but she could imagine him with a bushy white beard and a belly like a bowl full of jelly. The thought of which made her smile, like the thought of Christmas and the way that Emmett went well out of his way to make her laugh. She was blessed to have such a wonderful friend.

"I need more soup, McCarthy!" Alice demanded. "Who around here slept with the waitress to make you hire that sloth? Please don't tell me it was you, Emmett. It would be like making love to a mannequin."

Emmett and Bella wisely ignored her.

"Is there a plan afoot, Miss Bella? How can I be of service?" Emmett gave her that dimpled smile that Bella adored. She returned the smile and wished that she could adopt him and let the McCarthy's have Alice.

Bella looked him straight in the eye. "I would never ask this of you, if it wasn't of the most urgent..."

"Spit it out, sister," Alice demanded. "It's still is the worst plan ever."

"You think all my plans are horrible!"

"There's a reason for that, which is because in general they are usually horrific in epic proportions. Emmett, remember when she heard that Tyler was going to ask her to homecoming and Bella, being the rocket scientist, decided to beat him to the punch?" Alice faced screwed up angrily at the thought. She wished she was stronger back then to protect her sensitive sister. "You can't just come up with harebrained plans that can backfire. This actor is ten million times worse than Tyler and his pimple face. He is not going to be scared off easily."

"I am so glad I punched Tyler in the face." He had enjoyed exacting revenge for sweet Bella. The Tyler situation was horrible. Jessica Stanley set her up. Little did the sisters know, Emmett set Jessica up by sticking hair dye in her shampoo which she used after gym. Electric blue wasn't Miss Stanley's color. Then Emmett looked at the girls in confusion. "What actor?"

Alice took a sip of her soda. She put it down and said slowly, "The actor that wants to fuck my sister senseless and leave her in a quivering heap when he heads back to whatever hole he crawled out of."

"I will kill him! Where is this stupid piece of shit? He will never touch a beautiful hair on that beautiful head of yours!" Emmett's already ruddy face was the color of a ripe strawberry.

Alice snorted. She now knew definitively that Emmett had the hots for her sister. Bella was so clueless about such things, always off in her Bella induced la la land. Alice however had an inkling that the big brother shtick was an act. Emmett was always trying to hold Bella's hand and Miss Oblivious just smiled and let him. Emmett didn't have enough balls to be with her sister, he should have stepped it up in high school. Of course, Alice also believed her sister was too good for where they grew up and the last thing she needed was to be tied down with some townie. Then a realization dawned on her, Alice could use Emmett's feeling to concoct a plan.

"Here's the thing...he...umm...blackmailed me for a date at MacGregor's or have Grandmother arrested, so..." Bella stammered.

Emmett started blustering in rage, "He threatened Mrs. Lou?"

"She hates when you call her that, Emmett," Alice stated. She looked around the room. "Where's that idiot waitress. I swear if she comes back smelling like a chimney, I will pour Bella's beer on her."

"Use your own drink, Ali!" Bella exclaimed. Alice was such a bully sometimes.

Emmett looked at Alice incredulously, "How can you care about getting more soup? Your sister's precious virtue is in danger!"

Alice started laughing hysterically. Emmett shouldn't have been surprised. Alice Cullen hadn't been playing with a full deck for a long time. She was the opposite of her pretty sister, Bella. Emmett thought he was in love with her, even though it was probably more that he liked her a lot. She was different from most the girls in town. Emmett could appreciate her love of art and the way she liked to doodle on cocktail napkins and give them to him. Bella would never have known, but he collected them in a leather photo album that he picked up on a whim at Target. The leather matched the color of her eyes.

"McCarthy, put your sword away. The fair maiden's v-card sailed away long ago. Worry about the here and now, big boy."

Emmett's mouth dropped open.

Bella was going to murder Alice. "Emmett, it really isn't a big deal. A college learning experience was all it was...umm...let's get back to you scaring the pants off the actor."

"I'll do it!" Emmett said with determination. He would be the only guy to get close to Bella next. "I'll lay him out flat on his back and pound some respect."

"No you won't, meathead. What is it with you and knocking people out? You spent more time in detention than in school. You are an adult and Liam won't hesitate to call the cops and Edbert won't mind pressing charges. Emmett, what do you think Charlie will think of you if you end up in his jail?"

Emmett needed to be on the Chief's good side if he was going to date his daughter.

"It's Edward. Edward Cullen is his name," Bella corrected, trying to swallow down a swoon.

"Don't you dare get the glazed look, Isabella! It's called a fuck and run. He will be doing that to you!"

Bella frowned, and then was startled by the growl that came out of Emmett.

"Dude, when did you become a bear?" Alice asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Huh?" Emmett's anger quickly faded and was replaced with confusion.

"You are a man not an animal. Stop making noises like one." Alice looked at her sister and at Emmett, a smile gracing her face. "Bella, meet your new suitor. Emmett you need to show that Ed guy how to really win a girl. She will ignore him and fall for your moves instead. You don't really have any moves, but let's pretend that you do. Bring your 'A' game, McCarthy."

Emmett's face lit up. He finally had his chance to get the girl. "This is the perfect plan! I will be happy to woo you, Bella. Why can't you move the date here? I would prefer to not to have to look at Liam's ugly mug."

Bella looked at them like a deer caught in headlights.

"I refuse to have Jasper; I mean Cullen and his friend come into my favorite bar! They will sully it with their need for Cosmopolitans. Do you even know how to make a Cosmo, Emmett?" Alice inquired.

It started to occur to Alice that perhaps her plan might entice that Cullen guy to pursue Bella further. What if Jasper wouldn't give up either? They would have to cross that bridge when they came to it. What did they expect her to do with a time limitation? She wasn't a miracle worker! It could be hilarious, no matter what. There was always a silver lining.

"I do not, Ma'am." Emmett didn't do girl drinks. Then the most perfect idea came into his head. "I think I should kiss Bella tonight in front of him! What do you think Alice? Do you think we should we practice first?"

"What? No!" Bella squeaked.

"Then it is settled, Operation Cockblocking Edwardo shall commence tonight." Alice looked down at her bowl. "My bowl is still empty and awaiting crab soup."

"I thought you were a hippy vegetarian?" Emmett asked.

Bella fisted her hands into her hair. "This isn't going to work. Emmett can threaten and we'll be done with it."

"I am a vegetarian. Crabs have tiny brains. It doesn't count, like fish don't count." Alice had very precise thoughts on the subject.

"That doesn't sound right." Emmett was once again confounded by Alice's words.

Bella just laid her head on the table and muttered, "Stupid Friday."


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I just want to thank all of you that have decided to read this silly tale. Angst it isn't. Your reviews and follows make me so very happy and help me write even faster.**

**A big thank you to my amazing Beta Sunflower3759! She thinks I'm funny and makes my words pretty!**

**Please enjoy and feel free to review. Thank you!**

Chapter 4

"I wonder what she'll be wearing tonight." Edward was trying to artfully manipulate his hair. He knew it was his money maker. Tonight, he was going to be putting it and all its tussled glory to good use.

Jasper was lying on the creaky old bed. He groaned at his friend's vanity. "I am guessing clothes."

"I hope she's wearing pants."

"I really shouldn't ask, because I am sure whatever you say will be idiotic, but why?" Jasper asked in annoyance.

Edward grinned. "Because, Jasper, I am going to get in them."

"You never disappoint." Jasper pushed his glasses up his nose. "You're still a jerk."

The inn that the men were staying at was full of lace doilies. Jasper was obsessed with touching them. He was stroking one on the bedside table next to him. What was with these inns and their decorations that were straight out of his Grandmaw's house in Georgia? It really didn't matter, because in a town this small there weren't any hotels to stay in anyway. Jasper sighed as Edward's voice took him out of his thoughts.

"You aren't going to wear those hideous glasses are you?"

Jasper thought the thick, black rims were considered hip. "Why shouldn't I? I like them. Plus, those stupid contacts are killing my eyes."

"Man, we want to have sex with these girls." Edward scoffed, as he continued to admire himself in the mirror.

"No, sir you want to be a pervert and take advantage of a nice girl. I want to get to know Alice." Jasper couldn't help smiling at the thought. "I have never met such an individual."

"Her clothing choices are hideous."

Jasper thought her lack of care about her appearance was one of her best attributes.

"Edward, if you would stop concentrating on the outside of a person, and look at what's beneath the surface, you would be a lot happier."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Listen, I think Alice's sister seems really sweet. Maybe, I want to have a conversation with her before I rock her world."

"Rock her world? Did we jump back to the early nineties? Have I missed something?"

"The phrase is coming back. They were talking about it online," Edward said. "You're one to talk with your old man glasses and bowling shirt. That look was finished in the fifties."

"Mock my clothing as much as you like, but be nice to Bella. I like her sister, you douche!" Jasper stood up and tried to remove the wrinkles in his pants with his hands. "Bella is pretty and everything, but she isn't your type."

"She's beautiful! Those brown eyes pull you in, man, I can get lost in those things." Edward couldn't help thinking about her cute, tiny nose. He wanted to lick it. "It was pretty cool how she protected that viper of a grandmother of hers. Most girls we know would have pushed the old bag into traffic. You have to admire Miss Swan's loyalty to family. Could you imagine if I brought her home for Christmas? Esme would be ecstatic."

"You like her!" Jasper looked at Edward in shock.

Edward's eyes widened. Liked her? Sure he wanted to kiss her all over her pretty face. That the idea of listening to her lovely voice softened his hardened emotions. Her blush made him want to hug her. That for the first time, in a long time, Edward stomach was feeling a bit queasy like he was on a rocking boat. Would those be considered butterflies? God, he hoped not.

Edward frowned and threw on a hemp necklace. "I didn't say that! How do I look?"

"Like an ass."

"So I take that as a no to the necklace?" Edward asked admiring himself in a reflective surface again.

Jasper just shook his head. Some people never learn.

XXXXXX

Edward couldn't help taking a deep sniff of the air surrounding him as the approached the pub. It smelled like fish. The whole town actually did. He suspected it had to do with the amount of fishing boats that were moored outside in the bay and the town's obvious obsession with everything and anything nautical. It was really disturbing for a man who thought eating fish of any kind was disgusting.

The pub was like none Edward had ever seen. He thought it was supposed to be earthy with Irish jigs playing in the background, brass lighting fixtures and men named Patrick talking about the old country? Not to mention a lot of wood. Edward snickered to himself about wood. He thought about the wood he would be sporting when he saw his Bella. Wait...his Bella?

"What is up with this place?" Jasper asked, interrupting Edward's mental confusion.

Jasper was looking around in wonder. This place was a cheap knock off of the places they hung out at in L.A. It looked like it was furnished by Ikea with its cheap modern design sensibilities. Jasper didn't want to brag, but he was a proud snob about interior decor. This place was trying way too hard with the chrome and glass. The carnations on the table were, however, an odd, but unintentionally funny plus.

That's when Jasper spotted them. The two girls were sitting morosely, dressed all in black. It was like they were going to a funeral and not on a date. Edward interrupted Jasper out of his thoughts loudly, "Look at my pretty girl and that Alice chick sitting there. They look all nervous in their anticipation for their men to come over and whisk them off their feet, and into our beds."

"I really don't think they are thinking that at all."

Edward scoffed, "Jasper, bro, look at the pinched lips and narrowed eyes! That's lust, man!"

Edward Cullen was Captain Oblivious. This was real life, not a Lifetime T.V. movie.

"I will have to disagree, Edward. It's called repulsion, with a hint of holding in vomit, because they have to spend the evening with us." Jasper started heading over to the women. "Please don't embarrass me."

Jasper shouldn't have wasted time with worthless words, because Edward was already primed for stupid statements. "Ladies, how are you this fine evening? Bella, your name is fitting you perfectly tonight. You are fetching in black!"

The shapeless black dress was picked on purpose to be the least fetching choice ever. Bella rolled her eyes and Alice snorted. Edward, who was the king of foot in mouth, soldiered on. "Alice...woman, are you wearing a skull on your shirt? Goth was done five years ago. Now it's just a pathetic clothing choice for people who want to act all too cool for school."

"Please don't tell me you just brought out the phrase too cool for school after lecturing me about dated fashion choices. Are you still stuck on your acting heyday with having one line on Saved by the Bell?" Alice asked with a smirk. She decided that while she hated the man in front of her, he was fun to mess with.

Edward smiled at Alice with glee. "So you have seen my body of work?"

"Jesus, no, you prick! It wasn't a hard guess." Alice went down to reach into her large hobo purse. It only rivaled her grandmother's in size and ugliness.

Bella gave Jasper a tight smile. "Hey."

"Hi. So you think they are going to be making jabs at each other all night?" Jasper asked the quiet brunette next to him.

Bella nodded and said sagely, "I have no doubt."

"Alice, I like your shirt," Jasper squeaked quickly. She was so intimidating, but exciting.

Alice sat up with a flask in her hand and she ignored him. "Bella, can I top you off?"

"Please." Bella pushed her coke over to Alice who poured amber liquid into it.

Edward looked in shock. Didn't they know there was a bar approximately ten steps away from their table? That certainly wasn't normal. Maybe, they were poor? "Ladies, we can buy you drinks if you can't afford them."

"We can afford our own drinks," Bella scoffed. She wished he wasn't so damn pretty. He had a jaw you just wanted to lick. This was an idea that always seemed odd to Bella. Who would ever find putting spit onto someone's face a romantic idea. Of course, being this close to Edward was making her rethink all her previous thoughts on the issue. Luckily, he kept opening his mouth and making an ass out of himself.

"Listen, you D-Lister, we bring a flask out of principle. I refuse to pay for drinks at these way inflated prices, and we decided to not let you buy us drinks." Alice waved her flask in Edward's face. "You both will probably think it would be an invitation into our pants, but we shall not bend to your wishes."

Jasper sat down next to her with a smile. "I find you absolutely amazing."

"Still not having sex with you, Blond..." Alice took a long hard look at him. He had on glasses. Sexy and extremely nerdy glasses perched on his long nose breaking up his pretty face. Some girls liked muscles, but Alice had a thing for eye ware. "Well dress me in pink and call me a sorority girl, you wear glasses. Hello there, Blondie. Are those prescription?"

"Yes, umm...is that a problem?" Jasper looked at her in surprise. Were the glasses a deal breaker? He was really fond this snarky woman who was a breath of fresh air. "Would you like me take them off?"

"Don't you fucking dare," Alice snarled, her eyes dark. One hand waved the flask in a threatening manner at him, while the other caressed the black frames upon Jasper's face. For the first time in his twenty-three years, Jasper was in heaven.

Bella groaned at her sister's weird behavior and grabbed the flask out of Alice's hand. "Liam will kick us out again!"

Edward happily scooted his chair closer to Bella and threw an arm around her shoulder. "So you're a little rule breaker? What does Officer Daddy think about that, sweet girl?"

"If you don't get your arm from around me, I will show exactly how Officer Daddy taught me to defend myself, Mr. Cullen. You have a fifty?" Bella shrugged his arm off her shoulder.

"Dollars?" Edward asked. "If you want a drink, I can get it for you."

Bella stood up and held out her hand. "Mr. Cullen, I hope you can understand that I am a single woman in a small town. You are a man of the world, and I don't know you, and I certainly do not feel like being roofied."

"Do you think so little of me?" Edward asked in amazement. He pulled out his wallet absentmindedly and placed a bill in Bella's hand.

"All I know of you is that you blackmailed me for a date, your friend's glasses are making my sister act all gooey eyed, and you have managed to annoy me in the ten minutes since you arrived." Bella poked him in the forehead.

"I think you are a special woman, and I find you intriguing." This was true, because the more she stood up to him the more he wanted to know about her. He also, if being entirely truthful, wanted to know what she was wearing under that hideous black dress.

"Of course, it's always intriguing what panties a girl is wearing, but in my case you'll never know what they actually look like." How did she know what he was thinking? Edward looked at her in astonishment. Bella leaned closer and whispered, "I'll give you a hint...lace. At least you can use your imagination."

Edward sputtered at the idea of sassy Bella and her panties as she stomped off towards the bar.

Bella started to walk a bit slower, because Liam Macgregor was there mixing a drink. She had found the large, red headed man intimidating since high school. He was a year older and very loud. Emmett was like that as well, but there was sweetness to Emmett that she never found in Macgregor. It was funny though seeing him in the now upscale bar wearing fitted jeans and a shiny button down. Bella missed his Aerosmith tees, ripped jean and flannels, but she guessed that everybody grows up at some point.

Liam Macgregor watched Bella stomp over to him with a smile. Those Swan girls were a riot. He wanted to be friends with them, but they were so attached to that idiot McCarthy. Emmett was always bragging about how authentic his family's pub was and how their food was featured in a local food magazine. Liam thought that all Emmett's boasts were simply a cover for his intense jealousy. In this town it was all about location. Macgregor's had it and McCarthy's didn't.

Bella looked at him and quietly asked, "Could I get some drinks, please?"

"Are you asking about real drinks or sodas that Alice over there will be doctoring up with her flask?" Liam inquired with a grin. He couldn't help finding a flustered Bella hilarious.

"I have money for alcohol," she squeaked, as she waved the fifty in his face.

Liam chuckled. "Well kiddo, I won't have to kick you and your sister out tonight. I hate it when I make you ladies slum it at McCarthy's."

"Not cool, Liam." Bella glared at the husky man in front of her. The feud between the men was ridiculous.

"I was joking, well sort of, because that flask of Alice's is the epitome of uncool," he volleyed, enjoying himself. "What can I get you?"

"The prices in this establishment are uncool, too, Liam. I'll take a gin and tonic. The expensive stuff, please. Top shelf whiskey on the rocks for Alice. What is the cheapest beer that tastes like pee?"

"I have a Natty Boh and Bud Light." Liam looked at her curiously. "Why?"

Bella gave a dazzling smile. "Those are for the two yahoos we're sitting with. They deserve much worse for messing with my Grandma."

"Oh I heard about old Lou's accident. It's all over town. She made quite a mess," Liam remarked, as he started pouring Alice's whiskey.

"Calling her Old Lou is disrespectful and only Alice and I are allowed to do it," Bella huffed. "Give the idiots the Bud Light."

"It doesn't look like Alice is having much of an issue with her idiot." Liam observed Alice stroking the blond haired man's glasses.

Bella turned around and sneered at the fawning over Jasper and his glasses. Her sister was going to be no help at all tonight.

Anger was coursing through Bella at her sister, Edward, and Jasper's spectacles until Emmett burst through the front door. Wearing a tweed suit that was obviously a hand me down from his father, and clutching a large bouquet of red, wilting carnations from the local Save-A-Lot, he rushed towards Bella.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you complete me. You had me at goodbye...no that isn't right...hello. Will you be my girl?" The words tumbled out of Emmett's mouth in pure word vomit form.

"Bloody hell, McCarthy, take it back to your dump and stop smelling up my restaurant," Liam demanded. He then saw poor Bella's face completely pale. "I know you've had a hard-on for Bella since sophomore year, but look at her and tell me that you think she is actually interested in a caveman like you? Because, all I see is someone who wants you to go away."

Edward shot out of his seat in anger. Who was this lame giant and why is he coming on to Edward's girl? More importantly, the suit the stranger was wearing seemed perfect for an audition he had coming up for a movie set in the 1950s. He wondered where he got it.

Emmett ignored Liam and clasped both of Bella's hands. "I am going to kiss you now."

"You are absolutely not! That wasn't part of the plan. Alice!" Bella hissed.

Alice was in her own little world, as she was practically climbing onto Jasper's lap to get to the glasses. "Tell me...are you nearsighted or farsighted?"

"Pretty much blind as a bat without them," Jasper replied as his lips ghosted over Alice's cheek. He made sure the heavy black frames stroked her skin.

Bella wanted to punch Alice and Jasper both, right in their stupid eyes that they were now making love to each other with.

"This has always been my plan, my angelic Bella," Emmett cooed. Before Bella could stop him he placed his lips onto hers.

Emmett McCarthy was in love.

Bella Swan thought Emmett's breath tasted like stinky Brie and sour milk.

Edward Cullen wanted to bash the large and obviously stronger man's skull in.

"Emmett, what the hell are you doing?" Bella asked in shock.

"That's my girl...I mean date... that you are attacking with your lips!" Edward yelled, as he pulled Bella closely to his body. He was so warm and he smelled so good. She didn't mean to, but she felt herself burrowing into his side.

"I think she's with me now." Emmett smiled, and reached out and started to pull her to him. Edward pulled harder in the other direction. She felt like a human tug of war rope.

It wasn't that Bella didn't appreciate Emmett trying to help, but causing a scene and potentially getting her father involved wouldn't be good.

"Liam!" Bella gasped. They were hurting her arms.

Liam wrapped his huge arm around Emmett's neck and started moving him towards the entrance exit. "The lady doesn't seem interested, Emmett, why not head back over across the street. Your dad can sing Danny Boy to you in comfort."

"Come over with me, Bella!" Emmett called out as he was swiftly deposited out of the door.

Edward pulled Bella into a corner and stroked the arm that Emmett was tugging. "Are you okay, pretty lady?"

Bella was trying hard to not show Edward any weakness, except that being so close to him, with all the touching, made her knees want to give out. Then he would have to catch her, rub against her and press his hard...

"Actually, the side you were pulling hurts much worse!" She exclaimed quickly, to stop her fantasy.

"I am so sorry, sweetness. You are an amazing woman and I just wanted to protect you." Edward had her pressed up against the wall, his hands gripping her hips. God, those lips were going to be his undoing. "I know this sounds forward and perhaps not at all what you were expecting, but you are a vision that fills me with joy and rapture; like a newborn discovering the world for the very first time. When I look into your beautiful face I see my destiny."

He pressed his lips to hers gently, and then guided his tongue into her mouth. What started off timid and soft, turned heated and passionate very quickly.

Edward wanted to bury himself into her for years. He would never get enough.

Bella found his mouth to be intoxicating. The idea of him filling her was exciting and made her tremble. His words...his words were familiar.

She pulled away angrily. "That was from one of your stupid teen movies!"

"What was?" Edward asked in lust filled confusion. What the hell happened?

"Your words! You used them in that crappy movie when you were professing your undying love to the vapid, airhead with big boobs!"

"Tanya? Did you like that movie? I was really proud of..." Edward began.

Bella pushed away from him and headed towards the door, as Edward followed closely behind. "I hate you! Leave me alone!"

"Sweetness, don't leave! I can explain!" There was no way he was losing this girl. She might be something more, or at least more than one night.

Alice didn't even witness any of the mess around her. She was too busy nuzzling the overjoyed Jasper.

"I want your glasses buried in my breasts and you in them," she announced huskily.

The tent that Jasper had in his pants grew even bigger. He whispered back, his voice thick with want, "I have a pair of tortoise shell back in my room."

Alice attacked him with her mouth and she knew without a doubt she was getting lucky tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Another installment of crazy! Enjoy! (Mostly you, MidnightLove87. I hope it makes you giggle!)**

**Big thanks to my amazing beta, Sunflower3759! She called me demented on this one. I shall take that as a compliment!**

Chapter 5

Bella rushed out the door into the cool, summer night air, followed closely by Edward. She almost bumped into two women, one of which looked somewhat familiar. Continuing past them she called out, "Sorry!"

Edward was confused at how much he wanted, no needed, to reassure the lovely Bella of his intentions. Of course, if he was to be honest, he was completely confused about what his intentions actually were. He thought she was gorgeous, but he slept with a lot of gorgeous women. He was like a bug zapper and they were the flies. Who cared if one got away when there so many were left? Except in this case, Edward cared that this girl was fleeing. He cared a lot. It sucked ass.

He burst through the doors of the restaurant forcefully and ran straight into Rosalie Hale who exclaimed, "Watch out, asshole!"

"Stop hogging the sidewalk with your fat ass, Hale!" Edward bitched back, as he darted towards his fleeing paramour.

"Go fuck yourself, Cullen!" Rosalie gave Edward back the finger. Rosalie Hale was a tall and curvy, but was happily clad in dirty overalls and an old tank top covered in pictures of small chickens. She could have been a model, but Rosie was happier working behind the cameras with Jasper Whitlock. She pulled her messy blond curls into an even messier bun.

"Ignore him, Rosie. Cullen is still pouting because you won't have sex with him." Tanya Denali said, as she watched Bella run from the surprisingly quick Edward. "I always find it hysterical the way women run from him. It has to be his kissing. He slobbers. When the director said cut, it was wonderful to get away from his mouth waterworks. I had to squeegee off my face."

Rosalie snickered at the image. "I wonder if that's the girl he tricked into a date? I would run, too. I bet the sister that Jasper is infatuated with already escaped."

As the girls entered the front door, Rosalie had to eat her words. "I take that back, because Jasper found company with somebody. She fits Edward's description, but much better looking. She doesn't appear to be a demented hyena."

Tanya's mouth dropped open as she took in her friend Jasper, locking lips with the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Jealousy flared through Tanya's body as she saw the slight girl nibble first on Jasper's lips, and then lick his ugly glasses. Tanya, at that moment, wanted to be the glasses and have the dark haired girl's tongue on her frame.

"Who's that girl?" She breathlessly whispered.

"What?" Rosalie asked distractedly, as she glanced at a plastic drink menu that had been placed on a nearby table. "I'm guessing she is the sister of Cullen's obsession. These prices are ridiculous! I thought California prices were insane!"

"I am going to get that girl in my bed." Tanya had a bit of drool slide out of the side of her mouth.

Rosalie gripped her arm tightly. "That's not allowed, lady! You are as bad as Cullen about these kinds of things. It appears the lady is preoccupied with Jasper."

"For now, Rosie..."

"Tanya, don't do this to yourself." Rosalie took a good look at the amorous couple. This wasn't going to end well...for Tanya. "I am sure there's a nice lesbian..."

"That girl's the one for me! I can have her wrapped around my little finger in a hot minute!" Tanya huffed as she tossed her reddish blond curls over her shoulder. "Look at these boobs! Who would say no to these things?"

"A girl who is into boys might not be too concerned about you physique." Rosalie threw the menu at her. "It doesn't appear she would be interested by the way she's playing tonsil hockey over there."

"Of course, she would! Look at her hair!"

"Right because short hair equates to being Sapphic inclined." Rosalie rolled her eyes. "If you use that line of thinking then my overalls would make me one! Also, you would be jumping Cullen's bone right now instead of lusting over Goth girl over there, princess. You use more hairspray than an eighties hair band."

Tanya got a faraway look on her face. "I can picture you, me, and that dark haired vixen on my silk sheets, Rosie. We would make one hot threesome."

"You are missing an important piece of anatomy, Tan," Rosalie said, with a look at the front of Tanya's pants. "I refuse to pay these prices. There's a great looking pub across the street. There might be a lovely butch lumberjack named Meg over there."

"It looks dirty there. Plus, I prefer the view here." Tanya's eyes bore into Alice who was now running her fingers through Jasper's curls making him giggle. "What I wouldn't do to get Jasper out of the way right now. I need a plan. We could..."

Rosalie didn't even bother to stay and listen to her friend's plotting. The last place in the world Rosalie wanted to spend the summer was across the country from her parents' farm. L.A. was far enough from them and made her homesick, and that was only a two hour trip. She liked mucking out stalls and milking the cows. If it wasn't for her interest in capturing images, she would never have left her parents. Rosalie wanted a stiff drink and wanted it fast. Tanya had only managed to make Rosalie tired and homesick for normal people.

Crossing the street quickly, Rosalie barreled into the bar and threw herself onto a stool. "May I get a Southern Comfort on the rocks, please? Actually, just leave the bottle."

At that moment, Rosalie looked up into the face of the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Dark curls and dimples, wearing the ugliest suit she ever seen; it was her destiny. It made her unhappy to see that her destiny had very sad eyes, paired with his sweet smile. She wanted to hug the man and make him feel better.

"Little Miss, that is far too much liquor for a lady." The man grabbed a wine bottle from behind the bar. "Would a red be okay?"

Rosalie smirked. Men were such goofs. She had been nipping at her Pops whiskey since she was tiny. "Don't you worry about me, Mr.?"

"McCarthy, Emmett McCarthy. You can call me Emmett."

"It's nice to make your acquaintance, Emmett. I am Rosie Hale. Now that we are friends, have a drink with me. You look like you need it."

"I really shouldn't..." He looked at his father strumming his guitar in the corner. "Da..."

His father looked up. "Drink with the pretty lass, Emmett, my boy! Bridget? You got this?"

Emmett's big sister, Bridget waved her brother away from the bar. "Get your drink on boy! Little Bella will come around once those TV people leave."

Emmett moved around to the front of the bar to sit next to Rosalie. She took in his frown at the woman mentioned. Interested why this made him so sad, she asked, "Little Bella?"

"Are you an actress?" He questioned.

"God no, I work behind the camera. Why?" Rosalie wondered where he was going with this.

"One of those actor guys you work with is after my girl," he explained glumly, playing with his glass making the ice go clink, clink, clink.

Rosalie's face fell. "You have a girl?"

"Yes...I mean...no. She's just a pal. At least she thinks of me that way. Bella is the most beautiful girl though." Emmett face had a wistful expression. "How can I ever compete with an actor?"

"You love her?" Rosalie asked sadly.

Emmett gave a little grin. "I like her a lot. I just think...well...maybe, she is meant for more than wanting to be a farmer's wife. I just need to convince her that home is a better alternative to the unknown."

Rosalie Hale's mouth dropped and her heart skipped a beat. "You want to be a farmer?"

"I am, actually, I work on my Grandfather's farm during the day and at the bar at night." Emmett twirled his glass in his hands. "He's going to give it to me."

"My parents have a farm on the west coast," Rosalie said with sad smile, as she looked down at the worn wood of the bar. "I miss them and the farm."

Emmett looked at the sad face on the pretty girl and he would have given anything to see some joy in it. How odd for him. He only felt protective about Bella, so his reaction to this stranger surprised him. "Would you like to see it?"

"See what?" Rosalie inquired as she looked into his warm, brown eyes.

"Would you like to see my farm, Rosie? I have some beautiful horses. Would you like to do that? Maybe, I can take you tomorrow?"

She beamed brightly and agreed, "I would really like that!"

Rosalie took in his kind face and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was in love.

Meanwhile, Bella was being pursued by Edward. She rushed down the quiet tree lined streets, as he badgered her.

"Bella, if you would let me explain..." He tried to grab her retreating hand.

Bella snarled, "Go back to the bar. I am sure Jasper wants to chat with you."

"Babe, I am sure you noticed Jasper is getting busy with you sister."

Bella stopped and turned towards him. "You have absolutely no filter, do you? I better never hear you call me 'babe' ever again! I know karate!"

She actually didn't, but if occasion occurred that she needed to scare him, Bella was sure she could fake it.

"Sweet stuff, come..." Edward began to say. He moved to touch her face.

Bella turned away from him quickly and stomped down the sidewalk. She refused to bend to his amazing kisses ever again. He was a stupid man with stupid lips, and not worthy of her precious time.

"Bella..."

Bella kept stomping down the road, toward her house.

"You are being ridiculous, woman!" Edward grabbed her waist and turned her towards him. "I need you to stay still for a minute!"

"Why?" Bella huffed. She was trying to look anywhere, but those pretty, green eyes. She looked up into the sky. The stars were lovely tonight. They twinkled like Edward's eyes. Bella groaned in disgust; now he made her hate stars.

"Look at me, pretty girl." He took one hand off her waist and tilted her head towards him. "I just want to see you get home safe."

Bella scoffed. "You want to have sex with me!"

"Babe, that's a given!" Edward looked at Bella as if she had ten heads.

Bella started off again in a sprint. Once she was safe in her house, she was going to salvage this night with potato chips and an old movie. Modern men were overrated. The leading men of the golden age of films were dashing and charming. Edward Cullen had wonderful lips, but he was a cad.

"Wait up!" Edward just wanted to get close to this vixen. God, her ass was fine!

"My house is right there. Go away now!" Bella pointed to an older home that had a large front porch. Edward imagined a young Bella with pigtails playing with her Barbies on the porch swing. It made him feel strangely happy. This girl was messing him up.

"Let me walk you to the door!" Edward pleaded. Why did this girl make him want to walk for her? He usually just wanted to throw them in a cab.

She stopped and narrowed her eyes. "My father has a lot of guns."

"I don't care. Wait, you still live with your mom and dad?" Edward placed his arms around her and drew her protesting body close to him. He probably wouldn't be having sex with her in there. His bed at the inn was pretty sturdy…"Never mind. I am taking you to lunch tomorrow."

"No you are not! Let go! You smell like sexual frustration and bad cologne!" Bella struggled to get out of his arms.

Edward gasped. "Girl, this costs three hundred dollars!"

"You paid too much. It stinks!" Bella bit his arm.

"Ouch! God damn woman, that was hot!" Edward loved how she challenged him. He pressed his mouth to hers hard. Bella returned the favor, though inwardly she wanted to beat herself up for doing so.

Edward's hands traveled up and down her slim body. His fingers tightening around her firm ass, as he cupped it. Bella's body had a mind of its own, as her legs lifted and tightened around Edwards's waist. They pushed their bodies together making guttural noises through the wet smacking of their lips. She had no idea what possessed her, but Bella pressed her center onto Edward, so he would hit that perfect spot. Edward was giddy at the feeling.

Bella quickly pulled away as Edward's hand moved to caress her breast. Her legs still hooked to his body, she looked into his eyes. "This is so wrong! I really don't like you! I am some game to you. Last time I checked I wasn't a game piece in Chutes and Ladders."

"I always thought of you more of a sweet Candy Land type of girl," he attempted to joke, but his face quickly grew solemn, after taking in her angry face. It shocked him that the next words to come out of his mouth were entirely true. "I'm just teasing! I really like you, Bella! I never wanted to just experience talking to a girl and getting to know her until I met you. This isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I would prefer to fuck hard and then eat a pizza. This is so weird."

"You are doing a terrible job at the wooing," she said, trying to hide the way she was softening towards him. It was dangerous to let your guard down around pretty boys. "Pizza?"

"Sometimes I dream of eating a pizza and having sex at the same time. You want to try it?" He winked at her, but when he saw her furious expression, he tried another tactic. "I'm teasing. Kiss me again, Bella."

Bella's legs dropped down and as her feet touched the ground, she knew she could either run to the house, or continue to face these conflicted emotions of lust and annoyance. "What are you playing at?"

"Give me a chance, Bella." He cupped her cheeks and rubbed them with his fingers. "Kiss me."

"One last kiss and you'll go?" Bella asked.

Edward moved closer. "Another kiss tonight and I'll go until tomorrow."

"Fine, but then you leave." Bella pressed her lips to his. Just like magnets they found themselves pulling closer and closer together.

"Isabella! What are you doing out there? Are you coming in?" A gruff voice called from out of the house.

Bella pulled away and said, "I'm on my way in, Dad."

Edward pressed a quick kiss on Bella's head. "I'll pick you up here at noon tomorrow, pretty!"

Edward blew her a kiss and strolled away jauntily whistling.

Bella slowly walked up the stairs and gave a look of embarrassment to her father who held the screen door open for her. "Hey Dad, have a good night?"

"Uh huh. Mother and I got a pizza." Charles Swan stroked his mustache. "Looks like you had an interesting night."

"Indeed I did," Bella admitted with a smirk at the thought of pizza and Edward. She was going on a date with a famous actor. Well at least he thought he was famous in his own head. Bella shook her head angrily, as she realized she didn't actually agree to this date. Stupid, presumptuous, pretty boy!

"Bella, where's Alice?"

Bella squeezed her father's shoulder. "Dad, you really don't want to know."

This would be the gospel truth, because at that moment Alice Swan was wearing only a pair of thick, black glasses and sitting astride an equally unclothed Jasper Whitlock.

He looked at her with stars in his blurry eyes and professed, "I think I might be in love with you."

"Man, are you on crack?" Alice asked him incredulously. "I should get out of here."

Tonight was not at all what Alice had in mind and she didn't like it in the slightest. She likes her life planned to the exact minute, and Jasper Whitlock was an unneeded complication. She was headed to Scotland for study abroad and she didn't need someone like this man muddying the waters. It made her cranky just how much she might actually like him. It made her want to kick him in his very talented balls.

"Don't leave me, Alice." Jasper's hands tightened on her waist and he thrust into her with power, making her swoon. "I couldn't bare it."

He was definitely the girl in this odd arrangement they were getting into. He was a girl that could do amazing things with his dick. Lifting an eyebrow, she took the glasses off and popped them back on his face. With a shrug she had to admit, "Well fuck me! This might just work."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thank you all for reading! I love your review and the really make my day so much brighter.**

**Special thanks to Sunflower3759, she makes my words so much better! What an amazing support system she is.**

**This chapter is dedicated to MidnightLove87's birthday yesterday! We are writing a humorous collaboration about a farmer Bella. I am so not joking. You can find the story on both of our profiles.**

**Finally…I am going to have a one shot Christmas story in Countdown to Christmas 2012. You can find it here on the fanfiction site: / s / 8713743 / 1 / Countdown-to-Christmas-2012-A-Lyrical-Melody. So many amazing writers, so please check it out. Stories start posting December 1.**

Chapter 6

Bella and Charlie sat at the kitchen table and watched nervously as Renee Swan attempted to cook eggs. It wasn't a good sign that there was smoke.

Bella chomped loudly on her cereal, making Renee turn around quickly, splattering chunks of egg on the wall. Charlie visibly winced.

"Are you sure I can't make you some eggs, Bella? Rice Krispies every morning has to get old."

Bella also thought getting food poisoning every day after eating her mother's cooking would get old, so she didn't bother to answer. Instead, she took a bite and savored the snap, crackle and pop.

Charlie looked sadly down at the runny egg and burnt toast. He was far too nice to turn them down, but he wondered how to discreetly do away with them and get breakfast at the diner near the station. Then an idea dawned on him. "Bella, you think that sister of yours ever made it home last night? Should I get the boys to search for her?"

"Dad, that daughter of yours is just fine. She's probably still snuggled up to that new piece of man meat of hers," Bella answered teasingly, before she took a gulp of coffee.

"Girl, watch that..." Charlie began to admonish her, but changed his mind. "Renee, looked what happened to our perfect daughters when we sent them away to college. Both of them turned into flippant women."

"Charles, our girls are discovering who they are." Renee said as she started to pour herself another cup of coffee. The family was addicted to caffeine almost to a fault.

"You still love me, Daddy." Bella couldn't help grinning at her father.

He grinned back. "You get your smart mouth from your old man!"

"What is this about Alice?" Renee questioned. "I certainly hope that girl doesn't sleep in until eleven again! I have no clue how she ever made it to morning classes."

"Renee, did you even listen to our conversation?" He threw his napkin on his plate. If this all worked according to plan he could easily sneak the contents into the trash.

"I was trying to make you breakfast, Charles." She frowned as she spied the napkin covering his plate. "What is Alice doing?"

"Jasper," Bella answered, as a sunglass wearing Alice burst into the kitchen looking exhausted. A large coffee was clutched in her hands.

"Who is this Jasper boy, Ali?" Renee asked, her hands on her hips. She then added, "Can Momma make some eggs for you?"

"Mother, I had a rough night. I don't feel like vomiting all day due to your cooking."

"Jasper?" Charlie took over the asking. "What do we know about this boy?"

"I can't do this right now!" Alice pulled Bella outside onto the front porch.

"Hey, my coffee is still in there!" Bella protested.

Alice pushed her sister onto the porch swing and plopped down next to her. When she left Jasper this morning he was continuing his romantic overtures. Overtures that made her feel uncomfortable, but ones that she secretly liked. He was lovely as he stroked her neck and kissed her gently. She was flippant and attempted to be cruel, but he only chuckled and continued to kiss her. Alice had no idea on what to do.

"Jasper is coming in a couple hours to spend the day with me," Alice admitted. "I should send him away. He's a needy, little monkey."

"He's nice. I like him." Bella smiled at her sister. "Give it a chance."

"I'm leaving! Scotland, Bella...picture it, men in kilts with no under wear! Fish and Chips at every meal! Whiskey flavored condoms!" Alice shook Bella's shoulders.

"Whiskey tasting what?" Bella looked at her sister wondering how she knew this and why her sister found this so exciting.

"Heidi says they are in the vending machines everywhere, even at the movies," Alice stated. "She probably used them there."

"That's disgusting." Bella wrinkled.

"It makes me question how sanitary those theaters are and how effective whiskey flavored contraceptive are. Also how sane Heidi is." Alice shrugged at the thought.

"But you want some?"

"Of course! It will be hilarious when I give them to Charlie!" Alice exclaimed with a wicked gleam in her eye. She lived to torment their father. However, if anyone else did anything to cross him, Alice was the first to come to his defense.

"You're evil," Bella said with an angry look.

"Sometimes," Alice said continuing to smile.

"Al, I get that this is scary..." She held her hand up as Alice began to protest. "Sure you could end this immediately and hop off to Europe, but what if you miss out on something special?"

"Like you and Edward? I get that old Ed is special...in the head. And I mean that in the worst possible way."

"Oh God, no! That is like nice and tasty Jasper apples, compared to putrid and rotting Edward oranges. You cannot compare the two," Bella protested.

"Did you kiss him?" Alice inquired.

"Did you fuck him?" Bella asked.

"I sure fucking did, sister! It was amazing." Alice gave her a quizzical look. "Your language is quite raw this fine morning. You don't usually curse. What did he do exactly? Did he request your help to paint his pretty, man nails?"

"He did kiss me." Bella paused with a sigh. "A lot."

"Bastard!" Alice exclaimed. "Did his breath taste like dirty actor?"

"It was awesome," Bella stated sadly. She buried her head in her hands.

"You'll never have to see him again." Alice was trying to be supportive, but really, since Bella broke it off with the Devil in college, she was insanely uptight. Her sister needed an amazing sexual adventure to get her back on a well hung horse. Alice had to snicker at that disturbing thought. It was best not to scandalize poor Bella with it.

"Well, maybe if you let him feel you up..." Alice began, but a sultry voice interrupted her.

"Hello, ladies," Tanya strolled up to the porch. "I brought you a coffee!"

She shoved a cup of coffee at Alice who fumbled with it and it the coffee spilled all over her lap.

"Oww! That burns!" Alice jumped up just as Tanya pulled off her tee shirt revealing a bikini top, and kneelt down in front of Alice. She started to wipe Alice's lap off way too slowly in Bella's opinion. Then the strange woman took a whiff of her younger sister's crotch.

Feeling protective of Alice, Bella pulled her away and said angrily, "Did you sniff, my sister? Wait...you are Tanya Denali!"

"You know this lady, Bell?" Alice started backing away from the crazy Victoria's Secret model. She didn't like the look in the woman's eye.

"You've probably seen my movies! _Love is Like an Untainted Daisy _came out recently. I also was proud of_ Music of My Joyous Heart_. Perhaps you were taken in by my portrayal of an Amish Stripper in _Tassels in the Heartland_." Tanya gave Alice a wink and a leer.

"Never have and never will watch that crap. Are you crazy?" Alice almost gagged. She hated those movies with their blathering exclamations of love, stupid plot development and idiotic endings that usually included some unrealistic declaration of future nuptials. They were stupid. "Why are you here?"

That was an important question. Tanya had debated this course of action as she walked in her high heels down the broken pavement of the sidewalks trying hard not to fall over. The previous night, when she was full of liquid courage, Tanya thought flirting with the thick-headed bartender, Lance or Larry in order to get Alice's address, was a wonderful and romantic idea. In the light of the morning, Tanya was nervous to see the girl she was so taken with. Tanya didn't do nervous. Nervous made Tanya act like an ass. Nervous made Tanya act like Edward.

"I wanted to see the prettiest girl from the bar, silly!" Tanya cooed. Alice's mouth dropped in shock. The object of every man in America's wet dream was actually a lesbian.

"Oh, so you're here to see Bella then?" Alice asked, and prayed this to be truth. Of course, being an atheist kicked her in the ass.

"No, pretty, I'm here for you." Tanya rubbed Alice's arm.

Alice pulled away and hid behind Bella, cowering. "I...I...I...Umm..."

Bella had never seen her sister in fear, but it was fantastic. She was, however, kind enough to help poor Alice out.

"Miss Denali, Jasper is on his way to pick up Alice. She really needs to get ready."

Tanya reached for Alice. "I'll help her!"

"No!" Alice exclaimed. She looked at Tanya in disgusted fear. The cheerleader type was always scary to Alice, so having one trying to launch herself onto her was a nightmare.

"I just want..." Tanya started to try and physically move Bella away. Both her hands wrapped around Bella's waist.

"Unhand my girl!" Edward cried out, as he approached the women followed closely by Jasper who was wearing his best pair of glasses. Alice's eyes lit up at seeing him. Jasper was smart enough to know his tortoise shell frames were Alice's kryptonite.

"What's your problem, Edward?" Tanya snarled.

Edward took Bella in his arms and looked her dead in the eye. Without thinking or really realizing the ramifications to his imagined street cred he whispered, "Mine."

His lips met Bella's, and instead of pushing him off, she kissed him back.

"I don't think she can breathe," Alice said to no one in particular. "That weird duck is suffocating Bella!"

"Gross. No one wants to see that, Cullen." Tanya snarled. "I'm here for Alice."

Edward pulled from Bella quickly, making her gasp. He looked at Tanya incredulously, "With that?"

Alice felt slightly peeved and offended. Of course, it was Edward saying it. He really wasn't the best judge of anything.

"I could say the same to Bella for letting you kiss her because that was pretty revolting." Alice gave Edward a sneer.

Jasper approached Alice. "Darlin, there's no need to bother with Edward. I have plans for us today."

Alice knew it was now or never. She didn't want to have to do this with her Playboy Bunny stalker around, but... "Jasper, this isn't go..."

"Wild girl, I'm wearing your favorite pair of glasses. I had some ideas..." Jasper began to say, as Alice wrapped herself around him.

She exclaimed brightly, "Okay!"

Bella looked at this happy person before her. She looked like her sister but it was just too weird, because one thing Alice Cullen didn't do was bright, or happy.

Jasper looked at Tanya. "Go back to the Inn, Tanya. You actually have scenes today."

"I just wanted to make a new friend," Tanya scoffed. This was absolutely a lie, because at that moment Tanya was staring at Alice like she wanted to launch herself on her and attack her with her mouth. "Why don't you come and hang out on the set with me, Alice?"

Alice took a deep breath and tried to be nice. This was hard, because another thing Alice didn't do was nice. "I really...umm...can't. I have a date with a pair of glasses."

Alice licked her lips at Jasper and he beamed happily. Poor Tanya made a mental note to run to the convenience store during her lunch break to buy a pair of ugly-ass frames.

Edward quickly grabbed Bella's hand, "We're off, people! Jasper and Demon Girl do what you do. Jasper has a thing for spankings, DG. It should be right up your alley. Tanya, stop checking out my girl's ass."

He began to pull Bella down the sidewalk when they both heard Chief Charlie Swan's voice ring out, "Are you the boy that my daughter was frolicking with last night? Good Lord, boy get a haircut!"

XXXXXX

Bella and Edward were still laughing as they reached the boardwalk that overlooked the Chesapeake Bay. The sun glistened over the water, as a blue heron flew overhead. The day was still early, so the oppressive summer heat had yet to make an appearance. It was a beautiful view, Edward couldn't help thinking. But it didn't even come close to the happy girl standing next to him. Her hair glistened as the light bounced over her wavy locks. Bella's cheeks were a beautiful shade of pink. She was positively angelic in her loveliness. He was originally taken in by the sullen Bella he met a few days ago, but he was completely entranced by this newest incarnation.

"...amazing, right? I wish we stayed to see what Alice said back to him. Dad was waiting to get back at some of her previous stunts. I bet he's laughing so hard, after that display."

"Beautiful," Edward whispered looking at Bella and her animated face.

"It is a nice view. They replaced the original wood and extended it last..." Bella explained pointing to the wood on the railing.

"I was talking about you." Edward smiled as she looked up at him in shock. He gripped both of her hands in his. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life."

Bella tried to ignore his impressive cock digging into her pelvis, as he pushed her against the railing. "You're just saying that because you just want to have sex with me."

"Of course, I do! Bella Swan, I want to ride you into next week and make you come so hard that you'll be calling me your sexual savior," Edward agreed, in his inappropriate fashion. Bella's mouth dropped open at his admittance. "But I also want it to mean something more than just that, because you challenge and excite the shit out of me. We can be so much more, and it makes me nauseous."

"You and those insanely pretty words again." Bella looked at him like he was out of his mind.

"Kiss me, woman!" Edward kissed her forcibly and with passion.

Older women out taking their morning walks, gawked at the young people who were mashing their mouths together with gusto. One even gasped when Bella reached down and squeezed Edward's firm ass. The stranger with the tanned skin and tousled hair pretended to act offended, but a smile played upon his face at Bella's initiative. Children giggled as they were pushed past them. Their mothers promised themselves to give the Chief a call to inform him about the elder Swan girl who was acting so inappropriately.

Edward and Bella were precariously close to being arrested for indecent exposure. Somewhat luckily, a pile of poop dropped by a flying seagull above, landed on Edward's head making him pull away, squealing like a small girl.

It was a rotten example of divine intervention, but never-the-less it managed to keep the duo out of Charlie's jail.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to the amazing MidnightLove87. I adore her and I am sending her a million hugs!**

**A giant thank you must be given to mauigirl60 and SunflowerFran for looking this story over and fixing my mistakes.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing this silly tale!**

Chapter 7

Rosalie took in the farmland surrounding her and sighed in contentment. It was lovely and reminded her of home, with its acres of crops. She was in heaven.

"Is all of this your family's, Emmett?"

He flashed a happy grin at her. "It sure is! My grandfather purchased the land on a whim. Family lore says he won it on a bet, based on how many soft shell crabs he could eat. Most men in this area would become watermen, but Grand Da saw a different way. This farm was actually a fallback if the pub didn't work out. It's funny that now the bar is actually being supported by the farm."

"What kind of things do you grow?" Rosalie questioned, as she stuck her hands deep down into the pockets of her overalls.

"Corn, seasonal vegetables, pumpkins..." Emmett looked around with a smile. "The land tells us what to grow."

"That's wonderful." She was in love with this man.

Emmett blushed, and then looked sad. "I wish Bella liked farms as much as you do."

That comment she didn't love at all.

He continued, "Would you like to see more?"

"I'll follow you anywhere," Rosalie answered, with a smile.

That was the God's honest truth.

XXXXXX

"You are so ridiculous."

"Bella, this is my livelihood!" Edward screeched, as he was used wet napkins to try to remove the offending bird excrement from his hair.

The couple, who were not quite admitting that fact just yet, sat in the small diner on top of the hill. It was one of the last 1950s diners in Maryland, and it admittedly, was in rough shape. The counters were dingy with age, and the seats in the booths had rips with questionable staining.

"You aren't the first person to have bird poop on their head." Bella popped a french fry in her mouth and chewed reflectively. "I've heard tales that it can make your hair permanently green."

"What!" he screeched.

Bella grabbed an onion ring off of Edward's plate. "I'm so joking with you. A bird did the same thing to me once. My hair is most certainly not green. I think it was a cardinal."

As Bella reflected on the type of bird, Edward looked at her in amazement. Who _was_ this girl? He had never met anyone like her. He probably would never have wanted to, but now that he had, Edward was pretty sure she meant more to him than a quick sexual escapade. Though he could only imagine what fantastic things that mouth of hers really could do, as he watched her lazily chew on an onion ring.

This led him to blurt out, "That mouth of yours sure gets a lot of action!"

"Pardon me?" She wasn't sure if that statement was offensive, but it sure sounded like it.

"You eat a lot of food for a girl." Edward's foot was comfortable being lodged soundly in his mouth.

"I'm sorry I'm not one of those little, annoying, twig-women you..."

Edward grabbed her hand. "I like it!"

"Oh...okay..."

Edward felt the need to be honest with her. "I only have two months here before I leave for my next job."

"Okay then..." Bella looked down at her hamburger. She didn't want to like this guy because, certainly, he was an idiot. Admittedly, Edward had a way of growing on you. Bella imagined it being quite like a fungus or a mold would.

"They want me to play a pirate." Edward said. He couldn't let go of her hand.

Bella gave him a small smile. "That's cool. You can say things like 'argh' and 'shiver me timbers'. Do you get to walk with a peg leg? Hooks are completely played out."

"It's a gay pirate." Edward originally was proud for getting this role, but now that this siren was in his sights, he didn't want her to think he was of that persuasion.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Bella wondered why he wanted her to know this. She figured Edward might be interested in men as well. He was way too concerned about his appearance. "I'll support your choices."

"You mean you'll still think of me as a man?" Edward questioned, stroking her hand.

"Umm sure..." Bella was tired of his inquest. He was leaving at the end of August anyway. She tried to pull her hand away. That hamburger looked damned good, and she wanted to ignore any sadness that would occur at the thought of him leaving. "Have fun."

"I'm not gay!" He tightened his grip. "I think I really like you."

Edward began to hyperventilate. He liked her. He never liked _anyone_. When he was lucky enough to get a girl back to his room, he usually would have a two-minute quickie and send them on their way. He got nervous being around pretty girls, which usually led him to say something stupid, which subsequently caused slapping to occur. Bella was different. Edward would welcome her slaps, and would even be thrilled if she spanked him.

"You see...I don't like the girls I pursue as a general rule. It's so much easier to just not do that sort of thing. I'm a "seduce them and leave" type of guy," Edward explained, as Bella listened, her mouth wide open in shock at his candor. He admitted he liked that look on her, and could imagine things that would fit in there perfectly. "I find flowers are a waste of money, so why give a woman something that's just going to die? Chocolates make them fat, and hand holding is just..."

Bella watched in amazement as he made a disgusted face.

She tried to shake his hand off of hers, being that he just stated how he hated it so much, and muttered, "Thanks for the FYI, jackass."

"Will you stop trying to remove my hand? I actually _like_ holding your hand! I would waste money on you, and buy you nice flowers from an actual florist. I might not even care if you get fat on chocolates. You already eat like a horse."

"How do you get people to actually want to have conversations with you?" Bella didn't know if she should be offended or flattered.

"Script-writers, of course."

"Of course," Bella agreed, frowning. "If this is to get laid..."

Edward stole one of her french fries while still holding her hand tightly. "Partly, it is. We'll make fireworks, baby. I also can't see myself being away from you."

"That is so extremely creepy, dude." Bella gave him a wary look.

"The fact that you just called me 'dude' is creepy?" He questioned with a smirk.

"No, Edward, the fact that you don't want to leave me is the creepiest. What are you planning on next? Are you moving in? Watching me sleep, creepster?" Bella started swirling her straw in her soda. She acted offended, but a small part of her loved the idea. "I seriously doubt my dad is going to let you move in."

"I would love to move in. I'm sure there is plenty of room in your bed, baby." Edward gave her his panty-dropping smile, as she grimaced at him.

Bella was willing herself not to slap him, since obviously, his motives weren't pure. He was an idiot of the highest order. "I see this really as just a ploy to get me to have sex with you. You need to stop calling me 'baby'. Last time I checked, I had stopped wearing diapers when I was an infant."

"I would consider it making sweet love, baby. I thought girls liked being called that." Edward always knew women were confusing, but Bella was above and beyond.

Bella's feminist leanings came tumbling out. "They absolutely do not, Edward Cullen! I am not some sex bunny you can..."

"Isabella Marie Swan, why are you talking about sex?" Louise Higgenbottom demanded, coming up behind her granddaughter who gasped, and desperately tried to wrestle her hand away from Edward's iron grasp.

"I...well...oh...umm...we...what are you..." Bella stumbled over her words. Then she saw her grandmother's kind friend, Mildred. The older woman, who was decked out in a t-shirt covered in kittens, gave Bella her an apologetic smile. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Humphrey! What a lovely day, don't you think?"

"Don't change the subject, Isabella!" Louise demanded, as she reached into her gigantic, green leather purse. It was hideous. Bella also thought it could easily hold a body, and could see her grandmother stuffing her in it at that moment. "What is this dirty boy saying about having sexual relations with you?"

Edward dropped Bella's hand and stood, taking Louise's instead. Bella wanted to warn him how this was the absolutely, positively the worst idea he could ever come up with, except she felt it might be hilarious. Trying to stifle the giggles ready to burst forth, she watched as Edward placed a kiss on Louise's hand. The older woman's face turned a million shades of red, and she took that giant, scary purse, and whacked Edward's head with it.

Mildred started waving her thin little arms in the air. "Louise, please stop! Don't hurt that handsome, young man! He's like a young Gary Cooper; or at least, a Cary Grant!"

"He's more like a gay Rock Hudson," Louise sneered.

Edward cowered on the floor. That old, crazy lady must pack that saddlebag with bricks. It hurt! "Ma'am, I'm not gay! I am only pretending to be a gay pirate."

"A liar boy, Mildred, that's what Isabella takes up with! She gets the stupid from that doofus husband that Renee just had to marry!"

Mildred just kept repeating, "Oh, my! Oh, my!"

Louise glared at poor Edward, who was still on the ground. The poor man looked up at Bella with big, sad eyes and she melted. He had her; hook, line and sinker.

"Grandma, I appreciate your concern, really, I do. I don't, however, appreciate you beating my boyfriend with your purse. You don't have to agree with my decisions, but you _do_ have to respect me enough to let me make my own choices." Bella pulled Edward up off the ground, wrapping her arms tightly around him.

Edward gave her a brilliant smile. "I like the sound of that; the word 'boyfriend'. It's odd, because I've never heard myself described that way before. Should I carry your books or something?"

"What books?" Bella asked him in confusion. Then it dawned on her. "We aren't heading to the sock hop, Fonzie. You're so weird."

"Who's Fonzie?" Edward's eyes narrowed in concentration. It sounded so familiar.

Louise huffed and dropped her purse on the ground, and sat at a nearby table. She started rubbing her head. "Child, I don't know if my skull is splitting because my blood sugar is low, or if this boy's stupidity is trying to kill me. Why are you doing this? You have potential, Isabella. You could be a teacher or work at the bank as a manager."

"My major is graphic design," Bella stated, trying to not get in another fight with Louise about appropriate careers.

Louise sighed, and shook her head at Bella. "That's a stupid major."

Edward looked between Bella and Louise and came up with an amazing plan. "She'll come back to L.A. with me! I know people! I can get her a job and then she can travel with me to location and..."

"Whoa, buddy, you go from zero to sixty! I have to finish school first." Bella threw her hands up in the air. Edward held her tight.

"In L.A.?"

"Pennsylvania," Bella admitted. This relationship was already doomed.

"Like the Amish? I did a Hallmark made-for-TV movie where I played an Amish potato farmer. It was called, _The Meadow Brings Forth Golden Spuds_. It was a heartfelt portrait of adversity."

"Was that the same one Tanya Denali was in?" Bella always got confused with Amish made-for-TV movies.

Edward laughed at her. Couldn't she keep them straight? They were completely different. "No, baby, mine was a family movie with a drought. She was a stripper. It was typecasting."

"What did I say about calling me 'baby'? I eat solid foods!" Bella complained.

"You do, just like a vacuum cleaner." Edward laughed at his joke and was excited to see Louise snicker. Bella punched him in the shoulder.

"Ouch!" he cried out.

Mildred trilled, "They are _so_ romantic!"

Louise frowned at Bella. "You need to think about your future and not mess around with..."

Bella was saved by the sound of her phone. It read _'A' Calling 'D'_.

Alice had gotten to Bella's phone and decided to bring up the painful memory of their chemistry grades in high school. Damn her!

"It's Alice," she said, and held up her hand to hush Louise. "What up, yo?"

An irate Alice yelled into the phone. "Get your ass over to Newton's Candy Store! Mike arrested Jasper and that crazy chick."

"Why are you at Mike's parents' store?" That was a stupid idea; Mike hung out there instead of doing his job.

Alice snarled, "Does it matter?"

"I would just think you would avoid..." Bella started to say, but Alice made a horrible shrieking noise. "I think you broke my ear-drum!"

"Get off him, Strip Tease Barbie! I'm not going to... Not the glasses! What's wrong with you? Michael, you lazy pig, stop her!"

The line went dead.

Bella looked down at the phone, and then up at Edward. "We have to go."

"What happened?" Edward questioned, pulling out his wallet and throwing a wad of cash onto the table.

She grabbed his hand and started pulling him to the door. "Alice and Jasper need us!"

"Isabella Marie!" Louise yelled at the exiting pair. "Young people have no manners!"

"Oh Louise, they're in love! They act like Bob and I used to, when he'd take me to the drive-in!" Mildred stared off into space, reminiscing about her early years.

"Oh, Lord," Louise muttered, and grabbed a menu. People were becoming idiots, and all she wanted was cottage cheese, pineapple and coffee. Things you can count on, unlike love-struck grandchildren.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I know it's been awhile, but let's say it's been tough to be funny lately. Luckily, I think I have my silly back! I hope you like it.**

**This is for Midnight Love87! What a wonderful friend!**

**Thank you to mauigirl60! Your help has been amazing!**

**Enjoy!  
**

Chapter 8

A crowd had formed outside the Newtons' ice cream shop, watching as Alice verbally abused Mike. The sight of the cowering officer in his uniform and the tiny woman shaking her pointer finger in his face was a hilarious sight. So much, in fact, that Riley Green was filming it on his phone. Bella wouldn't be surprised if was on the internet the next day. The view of the famous Tanya would be enough to have it get media attention. Alice hated any sort of attention, so being a good sister, Bella thought it best to help the situation.

"Give me the phone, Green," she growled, holding out her hand.

"I...I...I...just checking my email, B...B...Bella," Riley stammered. The man had once been captain of the Forks High School wrestling team, but you would never guess by the way he cowered at the Swan girls. He feared Alice and her vicious tongue ever since she had defended poor Theodore Jenks, who had been stuffed in a locker. He had made sure to never terrorize the freshman class again.

Bella narrowed her eyes. "What do you think Alice would do if she finds out that you're taping her right now? If you think what she's doing to Mike is scary, imagine what she has in store for you."

"Here!" Riley squeaked. He gave her the phone and Bella deleted the video.

Edward looked at her and said, "You don't think he would actually..."

"Of course he would." Bella cocked her head toward Tanya. "That's YouTube gold, Edward. Here, Riley. Now, be on your way!"

She tossed the phone at Riley's head and turned to take a good, hard look at the insanity before her. Tanya sat on the curb, her hair a disheveled mess of knots and her makeup smeared. Her shirt was ripped, covered with a pink substance and her bare knees were scraped and dirty like a small child after a playground accident. Her hands were handcuffed and Tanya was cursing at the crowd in a way that wasn't fitting for a queen of the small screen.

Next to her sat the also-handcuffed Jasper. Unlike Tanya, he was completely composed and smiling proudly at his Alice. There wasn't a hair out of place and Jasper's clothing was pristine. Bella was curious as to how Tanya looked like such a mess because just like Jasper, Alice's ridiculous teeth tee-shirt was perfect. Alice's hair was always a mess, so that wouldn't be a good indication. It was a mystery until Bella saw Mike's mother, tied to the shop's giant, decorative ice cream cone lawn ornament with her polka dotted apron.

The older woman was a frightful mess. The same gooey pink substance on Tanya's shirt was also matted into the gray, permed hair of Mrs. Newton. Her rayon pants were dirty and ripped. There were candy sprinkles covering her wrinkled face. As Bella and Edward approached, the smell of sour flavored milk filled the air. Edward pointed into the open doors of the shop and exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"

It was an ice cream Armageddon. The floors were caked with sticky, melted ice cream of all variety of flavors. There were overturned bins of toppings. Patrons who were trying to exit the building were slipping and sliding all over the floor, landing on top of each other. It was a literal and figurative mess of epic proportions.

"Mike...Alice...what's happening here? Was there a town-wide ice cream food fight at your parents' shop today? I missed the memo," Bella announced, her hands on her hips.

Mike stood taller from the hunched-over crouch he'd previously been in from Alice's verbal tirade. "Bella, I will be arresting that blond guy, the crazy woman and my...umm...mother for disturbing the peace."

Alice yelled, "You should take those cuffs off Jasper right now, Michael Newton! He did nothing wrong! Bella, this is what happened..."

_Jasper decided after going through the most thorough and frightening interview process with Alice's father that he was going to turn up 'Woo the Most Wonderful Alice Swan Quest' into high gear. There was no way that he was going to lose her when filming ended. The show he was filming would never get picked up for another season. It was yet another Dawson's Creek set at a prep school and one annoying program like that was more than enough. He would have to find a new way to stay with her._

_The ice cream shop was near Alice's parents and was one of those brightly-colored Victorians that reminded Alice of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Alice wasn't sure if she should even go with him, but she honestly needed some distance in order to break things off. If they went off by themselves, she would be intimate with him and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she would become even more attached._

_As they entered the shop, Alice clutched his hand. She liked the weight of his hand in hers and was shocked that it felt so comfortable. She would miss this. _

_It was that fact Alice was pondering when Jasper interrupted her melancholy thoughts. "Chocolate, Ali?" _

_She felt uncharacteristically weepy at his calling 'Ali'. One reason was she hated any sort of nicknames. The other reason...she loved when he said it. The emotion made her want to hit something, preferably a face._

_Instead, she said simply, "Chocolate."_

_Jasper looked at her worriedly. Where was her snarky commentary? Was she ill? Even though Alice ate multiple cups with gusto, he knew that the crab soup at lunch smelled off. He wanted to nurse her back to health with a pair of Buddy Holly thick frames. "Are you all right, darlin'?"_

_"Uh huh." Alice looked blankly at the assorted glass containers that held candies of all sorts to decorate the creamy concoctions._

_"Oh," he stated, deciding to shake her out of it. "I was thinking of putting red candy hearts on mine. I think you should do it, too. We'll be twins."_

_"Great."_

_Jasper took her into his arms and pulled her close. "We can get tee-shirts that read 'My Man is Hot Stuff'. Mine will say 'My Lady Likes it on Top'."_

_That was enough to wake Alice up. She pushed away from him and scowled. "Are you crazy, Blondie? It seems you Hollywood types are truly disturbed and I..."_

_"That's my girl," he said simply, with a grin._

_She attempted to grin back at him, but it came out as a grimace. "We need to talk."_

_"You aren't ending this," he said, turning to Mrs. Newton who stood at the counter. "Two chocolate sundaes with lots of whipped topping. Ali loves it."_

_Mrs. Newton swooned when Jasper winked at her._

_"I can end anything I want!" Alice stomped her foot like a toddler. _

_"No." He smiled at her and turned to the Newton matriarch. "My lady loves me and wants heart sprinkles for our sundaes."_

_"I never...well...did I say that? No! I didn't say that!" _

_He grinned. "You didn't have to. The look in your eyes is the same that I get when I think about how much I love you." _

_Jasper pulled Alice into a deep kiss, as Mrs. Newton swooned behind them._

"That was the most brilliant thing I've ever heard!" Edward cried, interrupting Alice's story. "Should I say things like that to you, Bella?"

Bella thrust her hand over Edward's mouth. "Be quiet! Alice, could you please get to why Jasper, Tanya and Mrs. Newton are in handcuffs? It looks like an ice cream factory blew up in there!"

"I see how it is, Isabella!" Alice spat. "You're all about me burying my feelings and wanting me to open up until there was an actress-instigated food fight that led to multiple arrests!"

"Yes! Get on with the story!" Bella threw her hands up in the air in annoyance. Edward quickly wrapped himself around her. He was so touchy-feely today. To tell the truth, Bella loved every minute of it.

Alice took a deep breath and proceeded to tell her tale.

_The kiss was one that Alice could feel in her toes. She had never experienced anything like the way she felt for Jasper and was mightily peeved when she was forcibly pulled away from him._

_"I don't think the lady wants your slobbery, fish lips on her!" Tanya exclaimed, one hand gripping Alice's upper arm and the other hand pushing down the large pair of plastic granny glasses she had purchased on a rack at the drugstore downtown. _

_"What are you doing here, crazy?" Alice asked, her eyes wide. This woman was nuttier than a fruitcake._

_Tanya gripped both of Alice's hands in hers. "I need you to give me a chance to win your heart. I know I can do it. Show you just what a shimmering spirit you are."_

"That's a great line!" Edward squeezed Bella. "That sounds like it was from Tanya's TV movie, _Love Behind the Gilded Gates. _Tanya played a nun who fell in love with a handicapped grounds man who had a pure soul. It was Emmy-worthy, I tell you!"

Bella stepped on his foot.

"Ouch!" he groaned. "I'll be quiet."

_Jasper gently removed Tanya's hands. "We've always gotten along, haven't we? I've always respected you and your acting abilities, but you're getting confused. Alice isn't interested in you, honey. We love each other, Alice and I."_

_"You have to keep throwing around that 'love' word," Alice muttered. Jasper just kissed her head._

_Though Jasper's words were gentle, Tanya's face went from pink to flaming red with anger. Sputtering, she screamed, "I always get what I want!" _

_She grabbed the freshly-made sundae off the counter and hurled it at Jasper who quickly ducked, causing it to ricochet off a cow statue and land in the hair of Karen Harris, the town librarian. The woman looked dazed for a moment, but in true librarian fashion stood up and placed a finger to her lip saying, "Hush!" _

_In true diva fashion this had sent Tanya into a bigger fury, which would put even the best actor meltdowns to shame. Down went glass jars filled to the brim with red hots and sprinkles; they hit the floor and shattered, spilling the contents throughout the store. The fiery actress ran behind the counter and had pushed the startled Mrs. Newton out of the way. Tanya grabbed handfuls of ice cream from the containers and flung the creamy concoctions on the poor citizens of the bayside town. _

_Jasper and Alice ducked behind an overturned table. He said with a smile, "I bet you never imagined the day turning out like this?" _

_"Who would?" Alice admitted, smirking. _

_Alice peeked around the table to see the most wondrous sight filling her eyes. Mrs. Newton, in an attempt to defend her store, tried to pull a chunk of dripping pistachio ice cream from Tanya's hand. It ended up being slammed into the poor older woman's face, which caused her to slip, pulling the younger woman down onto the floor with her. _

_The two women then slid across the floor, taking down innocent bystanders like bowling pins. Once they had come to a stop, Alice had thought the fight would have ended. Instead, Tanya and Mrs. Newton began wrestling on the floor like professional women mud wrestlers. It had been hilarious and ranked as one of the best days of Alice's life. _

"That's when Deputy Dingbat walked in and ruined all the fun!" Alice complained, adding nonchalantly, "He also arrested Jasper."

"Excuse me, Edward. Alice, be nice!" Bella stated, as she stomped over to where Mike had moved closer to Jasper and was interviewing witnesses. "Take off Jasper's handcuffs, Mike. Hey there, Jasper."

Jasper looked up and gave her a little nod.

"This is official police business, Miss Swan. I must ask that you head home now." Mike scowled at Jasper. "This one will be spending the night in the big house."

"My dad won't allow that and you'll only end up on traffic detail again. The construction crews just mock you and play practical jokes on you the whole time. Is that really worth the stress? She's never been interested, Mike! Everyone knows you've been pining for Alice since high school, but it isn't going to happen between you."

"There's always a chance," he stated, sadly.

Bella pointed to Tanya. "Do you want to end up like that lunatic over there? She thinks that Alice is her one and only. You're too smart to act like this, Mike. If you really care for Alice, then do the right thing. She'll appreciate you more if you do."

Mike looked up into the sky and gave a big sigh. He looked back at Bella and nodded with a frown. "I know you're right. I'll let him go."

He removed Jasper's handcuffs and before she even realized what she was doing, Alice had run over to him, peppering his face with kisses. Bella looked at them in shock.

Edward took Bella's hand and whispered into her ear, "Isn't that romantic?"

"It would be in Bizarro World, Superman."

"What? I don't get that," he said, his handsome face blank with confusion.

Bella explained, "Bizarro World like in the Superman comics."

"I've never read those, but my agent said I was up for the role of Superman in some movie," Edward stated proudly.

"Of course you were." Bella rolled her eyes. "Take me home."

XXXXXX

They strolled down the street hand-in-hand, followed closely by Jasper and Alice. As they approached the Swan's house, a man was sitting on the front porch steps reading _Entertainment Weekly_. Bella dropped Edward's hand and yelled out, "Jake, what are you doing here?"

The man stood up and Bella ran over to him, throwing her arms around him. The man, Jake, spun her around quickly, which made Bella start punching his broad shoulders. She complained, "I'm gonna be sick, dude!"

Jake gave her another huge hug.

Edward was enraged. The man hugging his girl was movie star-handsome, with jet-black hair, a muscled physique and a tight t-shirt. Edward wanted to break his face but was also a little scared of him. He started strolling over confidently, but became a little more hesitant. An action hero Edward was not, but a romantic lead - definitely.

Bella turned to Edward with a huge smile. "Edward, this is my best friend Jake!"

Edward gave him a manly glare, but it immediately turned into a look of shock as the man said in a high-pitched voice, "Girl, he's cuter in person than when he's on TV! I'm a huge fan, Mr. Cullen!"

Jake blushed at Edward, who immediately beamed. After teenaged girls, Edward Cullen was very popular with gay men.

"It's wonderful to meet you, Jake!" Edward shook Jake's hand vigorously. "What are you doing here? Visiting my Bella?"

Jake turned to Bella with a worried expression. "I'm so sorry! I didn't want him to come!"

"Shit!" Bella turned pale.

Alice sneered. "I would say hello first, but instead I'll say 'what the fuck', Jake!"

"I'm sorry!" Jake whimpered.

Jasper walked over to a confused Edward and asked, "Do you have any clue as to what's happening?"

"No, but..."Edward started to say, but a tall man with artfully-tousled sandy hair came out of a Mercedes parked nearby. Normally, Edward would applaud the man's stylist except that the look on Bella's face worried him. She looked like she wanted to vomit.

"Bella, sweetheart, are you all right?" Edward asked. He hugged her to his body tightly.

The man came up to Bella and with a crocodile smile announced, "Did you miss me?"

"Who are _you_?" Edward asked.

Alice's face grew determined as she walked up to him. Ignoring Edward, the man said to Alice, "You must be Bella's sis..."

Alice punched him in the gut and said simply, "Bitch."


End file.
